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Ladies, if you want to have a successful dating life, you should take note of things that your man shouldn’t hear.

1. WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN? 

You’ll see him when you see him. If he wants to see you again, he’ll call. If not, next. You don’t have time for anyone that doesn’t have time for you.

2. WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL? 

There’s only one answer to this question: Because he didn’t want to!!! What you’re really asking is, “Why didn’t you want to call me?” Who knows!! There could be a lot of reasons, but you shouldn’t be sitting around wondering why. You should be out dating lots of different guys and not worrying about ONE guy. Don’t be so quick to put all your eggs into one basket, because if they break, it’s a big mess!

3. WHERE WERE YOU? 

If he wanted you to know where he was, he’d tell you. What you’re really asking is, “Where you with another female that you like better than me?” Your insecurity is showing, my dear. You need to show him that your time is also as important to you as his. Do something fun or simply take yourself out and stop bickering about things you have no control over.

4. I LOVE YOU (FIRST) 

I know that you are saying this with good intentions, but if he doesn’t respond what happens? You’ll be devastated and probably feel foolish. Saying “I love you” is not going to speed things up if he’s not ready to say it back. So just cool it, and let him be the first to say it when he’s ready.

5. DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER? 

He’s telling you about his exes and there you are feeling jealous and all. Hey Girl, Watch it! As long as he’s not sleeping with her now, who cares? The past is gone. Don’t torture yourself (and him) with these thoughts. In this case, ignorance really is bliss.

6. WHERE IS THIS GOING? 

Nowhere fast if that’s your attitude. Guys want someone fun and easy to be with, not someone that’s constantly worrying about the future. His actions or non-actions will tell you where it’s going. If it’s going somewhere, you’ll know it. If it’s not, you’ll know it too.

7. WE NEED TO TALK.

This is the equivalent of, “Mum is calling you (if you know, you know)”. Guys know it’s not going to be a fun conversation, so they’re already on the defensive. If you need to discuss something, just casually bring it up when the both of you are relaxed. Don’t try to discuss things when!

8. I HATE YOU!

Even if you do, it’s totally uncalled for and un-lady like. If there’s an issue, be mature enough to discuss it when you’re calm. Even if he is breaking up with you and you feel the urge to call him out on everything, it’s best to remain calm and act unfazed. He’ll wonder why you’re so cool about it and that may make him re-think his decision. Guys are always taken aback by calm ladies. We confuse them. Always be pleasant during a break up. Do you want to be known as the girl that goes psycho if someone breaks up with her? I didn’t think so.

9. I DON’T TRUST YOU.

 What you’re actually saying is, “You need to step up your game, because I can see you’re up to something.” If you have no evidence of this, it would be unwise to start throwing words around. First, it will make him more cautious if he is actually doing something which makes it even harder to get the evidence you need to prove your suspicions. Second and even more damaging is the fact that you could be wrong and hurt his feelings which would be no fault of his. He’s most likely see you as a crazy person.

It’s hard not to say some of these things but I promise you that it’s worth the effort. Overtime it will normalize and become a way of life.

 Ojay Tress

A lot of people have different ideas on relationships that are based on assumptions of perfection in a relationship. This is very far from the true state of most of relationships and eventually creates a problem.

Here are 7 of the most common misconceptions people have related about having a better relationship.

1.  I have to love everything about my partner:

Well,

You were born pure and pristine. You then learnt behaviors from your parents, teacher, coaches, church etc. (who did their best to teach you about a better relationship). These behaviors have become the backbone for your way of living and having a better relationship.

Perhaps a common behavior that irritates having a better relationship would be leaving the toilet seat up after use. This is merely a behavior and not the essence of the person. However, when you may consider this behavior to be the person, this destroys the concept of a better relationship, creating all kinds of conflict in your need for a better relationship.

2.  Love means that I can fix my partner:

Well,

You met your partner because of some special quality or characteristics that you admired. You need to accept and allow that quality to flourish in order to allow you and your partner to grow into a better relationship.

You may be unaware that you do not even like yourself. Yet by allowing your partner to grow and expand, you will experience the quality of your partner and the beauty within you, as you begin to enjoy a better relationship.

3.I am supposed to give up the things I like in order to be in a better relationship:

Well,

Giving up the things you like to be in a better relationship is like take a knife and cutting away a part of yourself.

Your better relationship is based on the uniqueness of you and your partner.

When you give up your uniqueness you rob yourself of a better relationship, your passion and your partner of your creativity.

4. I will find a partner that will be at my beck and call:

Well,

You may have been conditioned to live your life expecting someone to take care of you. What happens if that person becomes ill and is no longer able to take care of you?

Your responsibility in creating a better relationship, is to bring your passion to the table of your relationship. Sometimes you would be the bedrock of the relationship and other times your partner is going to be the mainstay and that’s okay.

You will each get a chance to shine like star in a better relationship because of your strengths and weaknesses.

5. It cost a lot to be in a relationship:

Well,

In a material context, a better relationship can be expensive if you think that love is based on the bigger house or an exotic car. Although some of these material assets are necessary, they should not be at the expense of creating a better relationship.

Love is creating a better relationship by building a relationship that is based on the simple things in life, like walking and holding hands, going to the beach, or buying Shawarma or popcorn.

Love is not about creating mammoth experiences that cost a fortune. It is about creating small loving moments that last a lifetime.

6. My partner is supposed to believe that I love him/her:

Well,

It is not what you say, it is what you do. You can say, "I love you" which may be merely words and no feelings (action). Love is the action of doing.

If you make a cup of tea for yourself, (the water is boiled), make a cup of tea for your partner. Whether your partner wants the tea or not is irrelevant, it is the thought that counts and the action that cements a better relationship.

7. I don't have to work at my relationship:

Well,

When you were a child, you learned to creep before you walked. Then you learned the letters of the alphabet. In order to write, you had to learn how to put those letters together to make words and sentences.

To become a better partner, you have to learn to keep improving yourself especially in the aspect of communication. It is very important to speak openly about the issues in your relationship and always try to resolve them

Ojay Tress

1. The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman:

This is the basic requirement for every individual who is or hopes to be in a relationship soon. First published in 1995 by Dr. Gary Chapman, this New York Times Bestseller teaches practical ways to keep your relationship’s engine running even when things get rocky or simply boring. This he argues, can be achieved by simply understanding your partner’s love language(s). With examples and profile assessments, it is sure to keep you in a constant and extensive stream of tests with your partner that would yield amazing results. The new edition has been revised to account for modern circumstances and problems relating to relationships in the 21st century.

2.  Modern Romance By Aziz Ansari with Eric Klinenberg

Dating styles in this modern era have evolved markedly from what they used to be decades ago. With the aid of technology, we are able to communicate, go on dates and end things as fast as we can type. Popular American comedian Aziz Ansari decided to team up with Sociologist Eric Klinenberg in order to study the effects of changes in technology on romance. With interviews conducted in various countries, we get a perfect blend of humor and scientific facts about the search for a soul mate.

3. Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether To Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship - Mira Kirshenbaum

In this book, popular psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbaum (who also authored ‘I Love You, But I Don’t Trust You) gives a holistic explanation for situations that go on in rocky relationships and the remedies. She makes it a point to raise some questions that you should ask yourself in a bid to understand yourself better. She argues that with the 36 questions, you can learn so much about your relationship by learning largely about yourself. It is an amazing read that would help you challenge the status quo in your relationship.

4. I Love You But I Don’t Trust You - Mira Kirshenbaum

Do you have trust issues? Has someone broken your trust and you felt that it was impossible to recover? This book is another masterpiece that helps you begin to rebuild the trust in your relationship especially in the face of heartbreak. Mira takes you on a journey to explore the causes of these trust issues whether it is due to cheating, dishonesty or even a recurring issue from the past. She teaches you practical steps on how to restore the bond of trust between you and your partner regardless of how bad the relationship seems to be hit. Her experience as a couples therapist makes her an authority in this field and makes the book all the more useful in solving relationship problems relating to Trust.

5. He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys - Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo

Dating men is not that complicated because men are simple beings. There are a lot of women who feel like guys are puzzling and their actions send mixed signals. New York Times best-selling author Greg Behrendt alongside Liz Tuccillo explain to us that guys are very easy to read. It is very easy to tell whether he is into you or not. The book which was based on an episode of ‘Sex and the City’ enlightens savvy women on this elusive topic, ‘How to tell if a guy is interested in dating you or not.’ It breaks the barrier of understanding and helps women to make wiser choices with their time and their emotions during and after dating.

6. Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work - Patrick Fanning and Matthew Mckay

Dating is easy. Building a relationship, on the other hand, is hard work. This book teaches you how to work smart instead of working hard. With timeless principles on how to improve communication with your partner, resolving disputes in innovative ways and building a strong and resilient coping mechanism. The updated version of the book has an additional chapter that teaches you to accept your partner’s feelings without criticism. It is sure to help you have a rounded view of your relationship.

7. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

We are all vulnerable to something in our lives. The myth that people create that says that there is a need to push your insecurities aside when in a relationship (especially if you’re a guy) is very misleading. Dr. Brene Brown talks about the need to live a life of honesty in our relationships. It’s okay to shown vulnerability from time to time and it is vitally important to a relationship. The truth about weakness is pointed out skillfully by the writer and is pointed out as a strength. This book encourages openness and is a must-read for people who have either an inferiority or superiority complex going into a relationship.

There you have it. This is by not a full list of all the books you can read but this is a very good start to build a long lasting relationship.

written by

Chrestomanci