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Heartbreak is a ‘street’ that no one ever wants to walk on. We spend our entire lives trying to either avoid getting into situations that would leave us hurt or dreaming of possibilities that would eventually leave us disappointed. What happens when life throws you into painful situations that you didn’t prepare for or couldn’t avoid?


This was the case for Martha.  She was living the perfect life and had found herself a man who loved her beyond her wildest dreams. They spent 10 years together, and had two kids, when tragedy struck. Her husband was on his way to work one day when a truck rammed into his car causing him to die instantly. She had to live her life in dark remembrance of what happened. Everyone was sad, her life was falling apart, the children didn’t understand what was going on and she was completely distraught. There was no amount of consolation that could bring her solace, the solace that she had enjoyed with the love of her life.


Many people have had horrible experiences in their relationships including painful breakups, divorces, death of a loved one and many other diverse situations. As a result, they close themselves from opportunities to find love again. It is as though they feel responsible for what happened and think that if they do not get involved with somebody else, they would be able to live their lives in peace. As most of them find out later, there is a deep cloud of loneliness that could hit a person who is grieving and it could lead that person to do things that they wouldn’t normally do.


Here are some ways to handle loss and forge ahead with life


1.    Say to yourself, “It is not my fault.”


Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are not to blame for someone leaving or getting a divorce or a spouse dying. This blaming of one’s self is a problem that most of us have and it is our default reaction to every major relationship occurrence in our lives. Self-hatred is harmful and it can lead to depression or even attempting suicide. Every time you feel the urge to blame yourself for your relationship problems, say to yourself  ‘It wasn’t my fault.’


2.    Say to yourself, “I am responsible.”


A popular saying goes “You cannot determine what happens to you but you can determine how to respond to it.” This is very true and applies to post-relationship issues. Tell yourself that you are responsible for your life and take charge of it. You don’t have to be in good times before you decided to make yourself happy. Talk to your family members, go on a trip, read a book, do whatever makes you happy and content. You are responsible for loving yourself because if you don’t love yourself nobody else will know how to love you.


3.    Give It Time:


Pain hurts. It hurts a lot but through pain, a lot of good can be found. Allow yourself to go through the process of grieving or sadness. It should be never be over a long extended period and that means you cannot keep tormenting yourself for years about the incident. Everybody has his or her own way of expressing pain and sadness so you must understand what works best for you and what would destabilize you.  Go through the process and come out as quickly as you can.




4.    Go out and meet people:


There is usually a very huge temptation to be alone but you must fight the urge with every fiber in your being. Loneliness can be a very depressing feeling and could ultimately be suicidal. Go out with friends, maybe not to very loud places like clubs but small gatherings or eateries. Connect with people online, through online dating platforms or other traditional social media platforms. Make sure you do this when you have successfully passed the grieving stage. If you’re grieving, you might be vulnerable to all sorts of manipulation from the opposite sex.


5.    Don’t feel guilty:


Do not feel guilty about dating someone new. You owe it to yourself to make the best use of the opportunities you have. Do not spend the whole date thinking about your last relationship; drop the weights of the old or older partner. It is water under the bridge and can never be reclaimed or changed no matter how much you think about it. Let your old partner go and work for a new one.


6.    If you have children, discuss new relationships with them


If you have children then you must remember that you’re not the only one grieving and that you are responsible for other individuals. So let them know about your plans for a new relationship and let them know about the person involved. Make sure you let them know about how important the process is to you and how important their support is. This should be done before introducing your date to them. 


7.    Do not compare your current partner to your last one:


Your new relationship will encounter issues but it should never be because you keep comparing the new person to the old one. No one likes to be put under pressure to conform to someone else’s standards. Help your new relationship to succeed by understanding that the person you are with is entirely different for your last partner and has his/her own way of doing things. Get comfortable with the new experience and you’ll see that everything will move smoothly.


Love is hard to find, love is hard to let go of. Only we can decide how to live our lives, how we would love and how we would remember the ones we lost. You deserve to be happy, so go and get your happiness back and life will be worth living again.

 

 



Different times, different seasons

Different mindsets, different reasons

Different designs, different visions

Different views for a lifetime unending

Different chips on different shoulders

Different blocks, not many builders

There’s a wave of opinion, little truth to be found

So don’t drown in the quick sand

Trying to be different, faking something grand

You are already your own favorite brand

Don’t jump into the ocean of slaves

Instead ride the wave

Tell yourself that you are more than what people say

They can’t put you in a cage

Love yourself

Love who you have become

The good, the bad, the extraordinary

Love the twists and turns

The fire in your heart that burns

The peace that is still

Love the scars, the pain

Love the monster in you, the beast you tamed

Love the good and the bad

Although the world may forget

Don’t forget to Love Yourself

 


 

Weddings are some of the most stressful events to plan in Nigeria especially when you are have limited capital. It is one of the main reasons that people shy away from proposing to their partners and can be extremely confusing for the people involved. The assumption is that the bigger the wedding, the more memorable it will be but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. A wedding is memorable because of the two individuals getting married, every other thing is just an addition. For those of you planning weddings, there are ways to get the most appropriate wedding ceremony that would not run into millions of naira.

 

Attendance:  

A budget wedding is not a society wedding so you would have to cut down on your number of invited guests. You must remember that the more guests you plan on having, the more the event venue will cost. Create a list of all your family and friends, send invites to them according to your list and let them know if they can bring a plus one or not. We would advise not to have more than 50 people. The important thing to note is that the list captures all the key members of your family and close friends. You might be thinking, ‘What about the other people that want to come?’ Well, you can also take advantage of technology and have someone stream your wedding live via social media platforms for free.

 

Venue:

Now that you have decided your audience, the next thing you want to talk about is the location of your wedding. You can search for various event centers but remember to be realistic. You venue housing 50 to 100 people should be about 150,000 to 200,000 naira on average and would cover power as well (Prices vary from state to state). If you are in Lagos for example, this would not be the time to look for venues in Lekki phase 1 or Ikoyi. You might want to get a venue in places like Ogba or Surulere. Remember that it’s not about the destination but about the people getting married. You could also relate with your network to find out which be venues you can get for free or cheap. Please always have a backup plan if you choose to go with this option.

 

Food:

In every Nigerian wedding, the food is always a talking point and a prayer point for the couple. People might forget everything but they don’t usually forget about the food. The important thing to note is that you do not have to spend too much money on food because you have cut down on the number of invited guests. With 300 thousand naira you can have the food completely covered. Please make sure your food is served by a caterer with no interest(s) in the wedding and ensure that your event planner has a preset order for food sharing based on the list of guests. Remember, you are not obligated to give more than one meal at your wedding so keep it simple.

 

MC:

There’s always that one friend that can be your Compere for the wedding. If you absolutely have to pay him, 50 thousand should do.

 

Music

Get a DJ. You don’t need a live band. 50,000 to 100,000 naira should work.

 

Cake:

Please keep this professional. You don’t want a cake that looks like a wrap of pounded yam or tastes like kerosene. Get in touch with professional cake makers with a proven history of success. Investing 50 to 75 thousand on the cake would ensure that you get a very good cake with adequate steps. It also means you can rest assured that the bakers will use the standard equipment.

 

Clothes:

There seems to be a new trend of couples changing multiple times during a wedding. First, that should not be a concern of yours because you can do with the same pair of clothes for the duration of the wedding. Who says you have to choose an outlandish color for your bridal train or groomsmen. Simple colors like black, blue, red and pink are easy to purchase and might already be available. Asoebi isn’t necessary and shouldn’t be made compulsory.

 

Decorations:

This is one of the areas that would need a professional touch. Pay a decoration company or professional to handle this and do not leave this to chance. The look and feel of the venue will be a source of soothing relief and could make the wedding look grander than it actually is. For the size of the venue, we prices would vary from state to state but we place the average price range of a good interior designer at 80,000 naira.

 

Security:

This is another section of the event that you would want to leave to the professionals. Get an actual agency or company to handle this for your wedding because they would have no stake in the wedding and as such would follow your guest list strictly. The fees paid to these companies are dependent on the number of personnel needed and the number of hours.

 

Transportation:

Make sure you use about 1 or 2 clean cars. The ribbon decoration around the car works every time.  

 

Time:

Keep your event short and simple. Let the joining and the reception take place at the same venue. The joining should be done in 45 minutes or less and the reception should take about 3 – 4 hours. This way you can get all the benefits of having a complete wedding without overstretching time and resources.

 

Network:

Everyone is usually one person away from a solved problem. Make sure you network with friends, colleagues and family, you never know who could offer the services for free or a fraction of the price you were asked to pay. Don’t be scared to ask for help but make sure you have a backup plan for any free service you are supposed to get. One thing you must note is that if the service to be rendered is going to be below par, it is not worth it even if it is offered for free

With these steps, you are well on your way to organizing a beautiful and memorable wedding without even spending up to a million naira. There no need to break the bank or wait indefinitely because with the resources at your disposal you can get amazing results.

 

The total amount by my estimates is 805,000 naira. So with a little under a million naira you can plan your entire wedding without having sleepless nights and then you can focus on building a future with your spouse.

 

 

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