Heartbreak is a ‘street’ that no one ever wants to walk on.
We spend our entire lives trying to either avoid getting into situations that
would leave us hurt or dreaming of possibilities that would eventually leave us
disappointed. What happens when life throws you into painful situations that
you didn’t prepare for or couldn’t avoid?
This was the case for Martha. She was living the perfect life and had found
herself a man who loved her beyond her wildest dreams. They spent 10 years
together, and had two kids, when tragedy struck. Her husband was on his way to
work one day when a truck rammed into his car causing him to die instantly. She
had to live her life in dark remembrance of what happened. Everyone was sad, her
life was falling apart, the children didn’t understand what was going on and she
was completely distraught. There was no amount of consolation that could bring
her solace, the solace that she had enjoyed with the love of her life.
Many people have had horrible experiences in their
relationships including painful breakups, divorces, death of a loved one and
many other diverse situations. As a result, they close themselves from
opportunities to find love again. It is as though they feel responsible for
what happened and think that if they do not get involved with somebody else,
they would be able to live their lives in peace. As most of them find out
later, there is a deep cloud of loneliness that could hit a person who is
grieving and it could lead that person to do things that they wouldn’t normally
do.
Here are some ways to handle loss and forge ahead with life
1. Say to yourself,
“It is not my fault.”
Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are
not to blame for someone leaving or getting a divorce or a spouse dying. This
blaming of one’s self is a problem that most of us have and it is our default
reaction to every major relationship occurrence in our lives. Self-hatred is
harmful and it can lead to depression or even attempting suicide. Every time
you feel the urge to blame yourself for your relationship problems, say to
yourself ‘It wasn’t my fault.’
2. Say to yourself,
“I am responsible.”
A popular saying goes “You cannot determine what happens to
you but you can determine how to respond to it.” This is very true and applies
to post-relationship issues. Tell yourself that you are responsible for your
life and take charge of it. You don’t have to be in good times before you
decided to make yourself happy. Talk to your family members, go on a trip, read
a book, do whatever makes you happy and content. You are responsible for loving
yourself because if you don’t love yourself nobody else will know how to love
you.
3. Give It Time:
Pain hurts. It hurts a lot but through pain, a lot of good
can be found. Allow yourself to go through the process of grieving or sadness.
It should be never be over a long extended period and that means you cannot
keep tormenting yourself for years about the incident. Everybody has his or her
own way of expressing pain and sadness so you must understand what works best
for you and what would destabilize you.
Go through the process and come out as quickly as you can.
4. Go out and meet
people:
There is usually a very huge temptation to be alone but you must
fight the urge with every fiber in your being. Loneliness can be a very
depressing feeling and could ultimately be suicidal. Go out with friends, maybe
not to very loud places like clubs but small gatherings or eateries. Connect
with people online, through online dating platforms or other traditional social
media platforms. Make sure you do this when you have successfully passed the
grieving stage. If you’re grieving, you might be vulnerable to all sorts of
manipulation from the opposite sex.
5. Don’t feel
guilty:
Do not feel guilty about dating someone new. You owe it to
yourself to make the best use of the opportunities you have. Do not spend the
whole date thinking about your last relationship; drop the weights of the old
or older partner. It is water under the bridge and can never be reclaimed or
changed no matter how much you think about it. Let your old partner go and work
for a new one.
6. If you have
children, discuss new relationships with them
If you have children then you must remember that you’re not
the only one grieving and that you are responsible for other individuals. So
let them know about your plans for a new relationship and let them know about
the person involved. Make sure you let them know about how important the
process is to you and how important their support is. This should be done
before introducing your date to them.
7. Do not compare
your current partner to your last one:
Your new relationship will encounter issues but it should
never be because you keep comparing the new person to the old one. No one likes
to be put under pressure to conform to someone else’s standards. Help your new
relationship to succeed by understanding that the person you are with is
entirely different for your last partner and has his/her own way of doing
things. Get comfortable with the new experience and you’ll see that everything
will move smoothly.
Love is hard to find, love is hard to let go of. Only we can
decide how to live our lives, how we would love and how we would remember the
ones we lost. You deserve to be happy, so go and get your happiness back and
life will be worth living again.
Different times, different seasons
Different mindsets, different reasons
Different designs, different visions
Different views for a lifetime unending
Different chips on different shoulders
Different blocks, not many builders
There’s a wave of opinion, little truth to be found
So don’t drown in the quick sand
Trying to be different, faking something grand
You are already your own favorite brand
Don’t jump into the ocean of slaves
Instead ride the wave
Tell yourself that you are more than what people say
They can’t put you in a cage
Love yourself
Love who you have become
The good, the bad, the extraordinary
Love the twists and turns
The fire in your heart that burns
The peace that is still
Love the scars, the pain
Love the monster in you, the beast you tamed
Love the good and the bad
Although the world may forget
Don’t forget to Love Yourself
Weddings are some of the
most stressful events to plan in Nigeria especially when you are have limited
capital. It is one of the main reasons that people shy away from proposing to
their partners and can be extremely confusing for the people involved. The
assumption is that the bigger the wedding, the more memorable it will be but
that couldn’t be farther from the truth. A wedding is memorable because of the
two individuals getting married, every other thing is just an addition. For
those of you planning weddings, there are ways to get the most appropriate
wedding ceremony that would not run into millions of naira.
Attendance:
A budget wedding is not
a society wedding so you would have to cut down on your number of invited
guests. You must remember that the more guests you plan on having, the more the
event venue will cost. Create a list of all your family and friends, send
invites to them according to your list and let them know if they can bring a
plus one or not. We would advise not to have more than 50 people. The important
thing to note is that the list captures all the key members of your family and
close friends. You might be thinking, ‘What about the other people that want to
come?’ Well, you can also take advantage of technology and have someone stream
your wedding live via social media platforms for free.
Venue:
Now that you have
decided your audience, the next thing you want to talk about is the location of
your wedding. You can search for various event centers but remember to be
realistic. You venue housing 50 to 100 people should be about 150,000 to
200,000 naira on average and would cover power as well (Prices vary from state
to state). If you are in Lagos for example, this would not be the time to look
for venues in Lekki phase 1 or Ikoyi. You might want to get a venue in places
like Ogba or Surulere. Remember that it’s not about the destination but about
the people getting married. You could also relate with your network to find out
which be venues you can get for free or cheap. Please always have a backup plan
if you choose to go with this option.
Food:
In every Nigerian
wedding, the food is always a talking point and a prayer point for the couple.
People might forget everything but they don’t usually forget about the food.
The important thing to note is that you do not have to spend too much money on
food because you have cut down on the number of invited guests. With 300
thousand naira you can have the food completely covered. Please make sure your
food is served by a caterer with no interest(s) in the wedding and ensure that
your event planner has a preset order for food sharing based on the list of
guests. Remember, you are not obligated to give more than one meal at your
wedding so keep it simple.
MC:
There’s always that one
friend that can be your Compere for the wedding. If you absolutely have to pay
him, 50 thousand should do.
Music
Get a DJ. You don’t need
a live band. 50,000 to 100,000 naira should work.
Cake:
Please keep this
professional. You don’t want a cake that looks like a wrap of pounded yam or
tastes like kerosene. Get in touch with professional cake makers with a proven
history of success. Investing 50 to 75 thousand on the cake would ensure that
you get a very good cake with adequate steps. It also means you can rest
assured that the bakers will use the standard equipment.
Clothes:
There seems to be a new
trend of couples changing multiple times during a wedding. First, that should
not be a concern of yours because you can do with the same pair of clothes for
the duration of the wedding. Who says you have to choose an outlandish color
for your bridal train or groomsmen. Simple colors like black, blue, red and
pink are easy to purchase and might already be available. Asoebi isn’t necessary
and shouldn’t be made compulsory.
Decorations:
This is one of the areas
that would need a professional touch. Pay a decoration company or professional
to handle this and do not leave this to chance. The look and feel of the venue
will be a source of soothing relief and could make the wedding look grander
than it actually is. For the size of the venue, we prices would vary from state
to state but we place the average price range of a good interior designer at 80,000
naira.
Security:
This is another section
of the event that you would want to leave to the professionals. Get an actual
agency or company to handle this for your wedding because they would have no
stake in the wedding and as such would follow your guest list strictly. The
fees paid to these companies are dependent on the number of personnel needed
and the number of hours.
Transportation:
Make sure you use about
1 or 2 clean cars. The ribbon decoration around the car works every time.
Time:
Keep your event short
and simple. Let the joining and the reception take place at the same venue. The
joining should be done in 45 minutes or less and the reception should take
about 3 – 4 hours. This way you can get all the benefits of having a complete
wedding without overstretching time and resources.
Network:
Everyone is usually one
person away from a solved problem. Make sure you network with friends,
colleagues and family, you never know who could offer the services for free or
a fraction of the price you were asked to pay. Don’t be scared to ask for help
but make sure you have a backup plan for any free service you are supposed to
get. One thing you must note is that if the service to be rendered is going to
be below par, it is not worth it even if it is offered for free
With these steps, you
are well on your way to organizing a beautiful and memorable wedding without
even spending up to a million naira. There no need to break the bank or wait
indefinitely because with the resources at your disposal you can get amazing
results.
The total amount by my
estimates is 805,000 naira. So with a little under a million naira you can plan
your entire wedding without having sleepless nights and then you can focus on
building a future with your spouse.