Heartbreak is a ‘street’ that no one ever wants to walk on.
We spend our entire lives trying to either avoid getting into situations that
would leave us hurt or dreaming of possibilities that would eventually leave us
disappointed. What happens when life throws you into painful situations that
you didn’t prepare for or couldn’t avoid?
This was the case for Martha. She was living the perfect life and had found
herself a man who loved her beyond her wildest dreams. They spent 10 years
together, and had two kids, when tragedy struck. Her husband was on his way to
work one day when a truck rammed into his car causing him to die instantly. She
had to live her life in dark remembrance of what happened. Everyone was sad, her
life was falling apart, the children didn’t understand what was going on and she
was completely distraught. There was no amount of consolation that could bring
her solace, the solace that she had enjoyed with the love of her life.
Many people have had horrible experiences in their
relationships including painful breakups, divorces, death of a loved one and
many other diverse situations. As a result, they close themselves from
opportunities to find love again. It is as though they feel responsible for
what happened and think that if they do not get involved with somebody else,
they would be able to live their lives in peace. As most of them find out
later, there is a deep cloud of loneliness that could hit a person who is
grieving and it could lead that person to do things that they wouldn’t normally
do.
Here are some ways to handle loss and forge ahead with life
1. Say to yourself,
“It is not my fault.”
Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are
not to blame for someone leaving or getting a divorce or a spouse dying. This
blaming of one’s self is a problem that most of us have and it is our default
reaction to every major relationship occurrence in our lives. Self-hatred is
harmful and it can lead to depression or even attempting suicide. Every time
you feel the urge to blame yourself for your relationship problems, say to
yourself ‘It wasn’t my fault.’
2. Say to yourself,
“I am responsible.”
A popular saying goes “You cannot determine what happens to
you but you can determine how to respond to it.” This is very true and applies
to post-relationship issues. Tell yourself that you are responsible for your
life and take charge of it. You don’t have to be in good times before you
decided to make yourself happy. Talk to your family members, go on a trip, read
a book, do whatever makes you happy and content. You are responsible for loving
yourself because if you don’t love yourself nobody else will know how to love
you.
3. Give It Time:
Pain hurts. It hurts a lot but through pain, a lot of good
can be found. Allow yourself to go through the process of grieving or sadness.
It should be never be over a long extended period and that means you cannot
keep tormenting yourself for years about the incident. Everybody has his or her
own way of expressing pain and sadness so you must understand what works best
for you and what would destabilize you.
Go through the process and come out as quickly as you can.
4. Go out and meet
people:
There is usually a very huge temptation to be alone but you must
fight the urge with every fiber in your being. Loneliness can be a very
depressing feeling and could ultimately be suicidal. Go out with friends, maybe
not to very loud places like clubs but small gatherings or eateries. Connect
with people online, through online dating platforms or other traditional social
media platforms. Make sure you do this when you have successfully passed the
grieving stage. If you’re grieving, you might be vulnerable to all sorts of
manipulation from the opposite sex.
5. Don’t feel
guilty:
Do not feel guilty about dating someone new. You owe it to
yourself to make the best use of the opportunities you have. Do not spend the
whole date thinking about your last relationship; drop the weights of the old
or older partner. It is water under the bridge and can never be reclaimed or
changed no matter how much you think about it. Let your old partner go and work
for a new one.
6. If you have
children, discuss new relationships with them
If you have children then you must remember that you’re not
the only one grieving and that you are responsible for other individuals. So
let them know about your plans for a new relationship and let them know about
the person involved. Make sure you let them know about how important the
process is to you and how important their support is. This should be done
before introducing your date to them.
7. Do not compare
your current partner to your last one:
Your new relationship will encounter issues but it should
never be because you keep comparing the new person to the old one. No one likes
to be put under pressure to conform to someone else’s standards. Help your new
relationship to succeed by understanding that the person you are with is
entirely different for your last partner and has his/her own way of doing
things. Get comfortable with the new experience and you’ll see that everything
will move smoothly.
Love is hard to find, love is hard to let go of. Only we can
decide how to live our lives, how we would love and how we would remember the
ones we lost. You deserve to be happy, so go and get your happiness back and
life will be worth living again.
I've got the keys to my heart
It's mine again
My thoughts, my actions, my decisions
I'm in control again
The lines in the sand have been traced
And I can see the mistakes for what they are
Mistakes
The birds chirp away happily
Singing the ancient lullaby with a frantic calm
And I see the song for what it is
The same as yesterday's
The world didn't stop because you hurt me
The wheels continued to turn
I continued to live even though my will was almost gone
But I refuse to wreck my ship
I choose to hoist my flags
I choose to let my sail down
I choose to live and love myself
The way I deserve to be loved
Not to get back at you
Oh no
But to get back to me
What had blinded me is now the lens through which I see
Because your opinions are opinions
Just not of me
The rivers are empty
I'll fill them no more
But I promise myself to fly
Like my feet will never again touch the floor
Written by
Ojie Femi
Passion
Thinking about you for the tenth time today
Reminiscing the feel of your hand
When it touches mine
Creating a whirlwind of breathlessness
The breath lost is mine
Thinking about the cadence of your voice
As it rises and falls with every question,
Every whisper that touches these ear of mine
I feel all sorts of emotions
My brain thinks about you all night
Thinking about the first time you told me you loved me
The playful seriousness in your eyes
That moment that left me mesmerized
And I knew you meant it
I knew with all my heart
Thinking about the time you hurt me
With that other girl
You stunned me
I was left speechless and surprised
That those hands that held me could hold another
That those lips that kissed me could kiss another
That those words you told me could be told to another
I told myself why even bother
I could just as easily find another
But here I am
Thinking about you for the tenth time today
Maybe this is my fate
Why even bother
Maybe I'm supposed to love you while you love another
Written by
Ojie Femi