When You Lose the One You Love: Getting through Heartbreak from MatchMadeInNaija's blog



Heartbreak is a ‘street’ that no one ever wants to walk on. We spend our entire lives trying to either avoid getting into situations that would leave us hurt or dreaming of possibilities that would eventually leave us disappointed. What happens when life throws you into painful situations that you didn’t prepare for or couldn’t avoid?


This was the case for Martha.  She was living the perfect life and had found herself a man who loved her beyond her wildest dreams. They spent 10 years together, and had two kids, when tragedy struck. Her husband was on his way to work one day when a truck rammed into his car causing him to die instantly. She had to live her life in dark remembrance of what happened. Everyone was sad, her life was falling apart, the children didn’t understand what was going on and she was completely distraught. There was no amount of consolation that could bring her solace, the solace that she had enjoyed with the love of her life.


Many people have had horrible experiences in their relationships including painful breakups, divorces, death of a loved one and many other diverse situations. As a result, they close themselves from opportunities to find love again. It is as though they feel responsible for what happened and think that if they do not get involved with somebody else, they would be able to live their lives in peace. As most of them find out later, there is a deep cloud of loneliness that could hit a person who is grieving and it could lead that person to do things that they wouldn’t normally do.


Here are some ways to handle loss and forge ahead with life


1.    Say to yourself, “It is not my fault.”


Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are not to blame for someone leaving or getting a divorce or a spouse dying. This blaming of one’s self is a problem that most of us have and it is our default reaction to every major relationship occurrence in our lives. Self-hatred is harmful and it can lead to depression or even attempting suicide. Every time you feel the urge to blame yourself for your relationship problems, say to yourself  ‘It wasn’t my fault.’


2.    Say to yourself, “I am responsible.”


A popular saying goes “You cannot determine what happens to you but you can determine how to respond to it.” This is very true and applies to post-relationship issues. Tell yourself that you are responsible for your life and take charge of it. You don’t have to be in good times before you decided to make yourself happy. Talk to your family members, go on a trip, read a book, do whatever makes you happy and content. You are responsible for loving yourself because if you don’t love yourself nobody else will know how to love you.


3.    Give It Time:


Pain hurts. It hurts a lot but through pain, a lot of good can be found. Allow yourself to go through the process of grieving or sadness. It should be never be over a long extended period and that means you cannot keep tormenting yourself for years about the incident. Everybody has his or her own way of expressing pain and sadness so you must understand what works best for you and what would destabilize you.  Go through the process and come out as quickly as you can.




4.    Go out and meet people:


There is usually a very huge temptation to be alone but you must fight the urge with every fiber in your being. Loneliness can be a very depressing feeling and could ultimately be suicidal. Go out with friends, maybe not to very loud places like clubs but small gatherings or eateries. Connect with people online, through online dating platforms or other traditional social media platforms. Make sure you do this when you have successfully passed the grieving stage. If you’re grieving, you might be vulnerable to all sorts of manipulation from the opposite sex.


5.    Don’t feel guilty:


Do not feel guilty about dating someone new. You owe it to yourself to make the best use of the opportunities you have. Do not spend the whole date thinking about your last relationship; drop the weights of the old or older partner. It is water under the bridge and can never be reclaimed or changed no matter how much you think about it. Let your old partner go and work for a new one.


6.    If you have children, discuss new relationships with them


If you have children then you must remember that you’re not the only one grieving and that you are responsible for other individuals. So let them know about your plans for a new relationship and let them know about the person involved. Make sure you let them know about how important the process is to you and how important their support is. This should be done before introducing your date to them. 


7.    Do not compare your current partner to your last one:


Your new relationship will encounter issues but it should never be because you keep comparing the new person to the old one. No one likes to be put under pressure to conform to someone else’s standards. Help your new relationship to succeed by understanding that the person you are with is entirely different for your last partner and has his/her own way of doing things. Get comfortable with the new experience and you’ll see that everything will move smoothly.


Love is hard to find, love is hard to let go of. Only we can decide how to live our lives, how we would love and how we would remember the ones we lost. You deserve to be happy, so go and get your happiness back and life will be worth living again.

 

 


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By MatchMadeInNaija
Added May 14

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